Things I've Learned

I've learned a lot in my very short life. Since I am such an exceptionally nice person, I'm going to share some of the wisdom I have gathered over the past 32 years.

1. Do not give your dog your favorite name. Chances are, you'll have a child and want to give it the same name you gave your dog. It's not nice to name a kid after a dog.

2. There's a reason rednecks name their dogs "Old Blue" and "Old Red." That way, they can still name their kids Billy Jo, Joe Bob, and Bobby Sue.

3. If you have to go to your family tree (IE name your dogs after cousins) for dog names, you need to find another source of amusement or a better imagination. (Jack and Cindy are only names for dogs if Jack and Cindy are not related to you. ;)

4. If you're playing Monopoly and need to use the restroom, be sure to ask someone to watch your properties. If no one is responsible for your properties, no one has to pay you rent.

5. As a result of number 4, I've learned that it is advisable for landlords to always have a representative. Never leave your property unattended.

6. If you have brothers, sisters, or cousins (or really good friends) eating at the same table as you, do not leave the table for any reason without making someone responsible for keeping your glass free of foreign objects. This applies no matter what age you are.

7. If you're going on vacation with three sons, know where the nearest emergency room is. Chances are, you'll want that information.

8. Cats are slow learners. If you want them to go outside, you have to teach them that the litter box is no longer an option... by putting it outside. If you want them to use a cat door, you have to push them through it. And, if you're unlucky, they'll figure out how to get out it while you're on vacation, but not back in.

9. Boys will be boys. That means that they'll figure out at the ripe old age of 2 that farting and burping is funny, all by themselves.

10. Hair gets everywhere, and so do mosquitos.

11. Don't walk around barefoot on hot cement.

12. No matter what it is about, stereotypes don't fit everyone they're meant to explain. And, no matter what group of people it is, someone will get upset about a stereotype.

13. Deaf people are not quiet. In fact, they throw some of the noisiest parties I've ever been to.

14. If you make lists and like your things to be organized, people will assume you have OCD.

15. Everyone has their pet pathology. Some people have ADHD, some OCD, and some bipolar. But, they ALL like to apply that to half the people they meet.

16. If you watch a lot of TV, you'll feel consumed with the need to go to your doctor and get tested for all kinds of diseases. Plus, you'll feel the overwhelming need to buy a multitude of feminine hygiene products.

17. If you hate a song, someone will sing it and get it stuck in your head. This is an especially wonderful punishment for children who are annoying you. Don't let anyone tell you that you are running your very own Gitmo in your home if you choose to do this. This is a perfectly legitimate form of punishment.

18. If you answer one question, you'll come up with 20 more. This is certainly true for children, but in your own mind, too. The best option is to not answer any questions. This way, you go through life with only 10 unanswered questions, rather than exponential number of questions rolling around in your head, running into each other and driving you crazy.

19. If you do answer a question, you should do your best to give a wrong answer. For example, when asked the question, "What makes the wind blow?" a good answer is always, "The trees moving makes the wind blow." This creates perpetual confusion, causing people to always be searching for the truth, which in turn causes people to learn more. This, of course, is in direct contradiction to number 18.

20. Life is all contradiction, and if we don't have fun with it, it gets boring and long.

21. Life may be short, but only if you are having fun. So, have fun. When you get to the end, you don't want to say that life was long, even if you live until you're 200. You want it to be short.

22. Love is not a feeling, it is an action. If you're not feeling love, you need to start living love. You'll start feeling it again soon.

23. If you have children, they will make sure that you always have something to clean. They do it because they love you. They are taking action. More than likely, they think you like to clean. See number 22.

24. Don't wear short skirts to bowl in, no matter what your husband says. There will be other men there. They will notice when you bend over to bowl. I'm just sayin'...

25. Know what Poison Ivy looks like. If you have to take a bathroom break in the woods, you'll want to know.

Finally, a note about my learning experiences. I did not learn all these firsthand. That last one was learned by a woman I never knew, when I was a young child. Unfortunately, she was pregnant when she learned it. However, I have always gone by the motto of learning from others' mistakes. It's better that way. Go forth and be wise.