My Journey to Judaism

Tonight, a very nice, very well meaning woman told me she had a book she wanted me to read. She said this after we had a short discussion about the fact that I do not believe that Jesus is the son of God. Now, I'm not dumb. I know what kind of book she wants me to read. The problem is that I've read, read, and read some more. I'm willing to read her book, but only if it is an "information only" type book. I refuse to read something that is written for the sole purpose of evangelism. But, it got me thinking about my journey to Judaism. I thought I would share some of it with you.

I can't remember when I first started questioning my parents' religion. By the time I was in 4th grade, it was in full question. Perhaps if anyone had been able to answer specific questions instead of saying, "You just have to have faith.", I would have stopped questioning at that time. However, no one was ever able to answer any of my questions. They told me things like: "You'll understand when you're older.", my personal favorite, "This is just the way it is." and various other answers that rarely had anything to do with my questions. Meanwhile, I read a series called The Zion Covenant. This book series started me thinking about Judaism. It is a Christian book series set in Nazi Germany. Quite frankly, I have always been fascinated by Judaism. I'm not sure why. But, these books really got me thinking about Judaism and the struggle for the state of Israel. However, I put all that on the back burner and didn't think much about it for a long time. Judaism was just too radical for me.

Would real answers have stopped my disbelief? I can't say, because by the time I was in high school, I had stopped believing completely. I am, however, a very spiritual person. As a result, I desperately wanted to search for my own beliefs. I could not do that, however, until I moved out of my parents' home. So, at the age of 17, the November after I graduated from high school, I moved out. I did not start my search immediately, though. My search did not start full on until I was in boot camp, only a few months later.

Boot camp was the first time I had ever attended a church service other than the one my parents attended. It was an interesting event, if a bit odd to my way of thinking. After our graduation from boot camp, we had time to go about town. During that weekend, I got introduced to a Catholic Mass. One of the guys I hung out with was Catholic and wanted to go to Mass, so I went with him. I can honestly say that it was like a foreign world. While I no longer have any problem with the pomp of Mass, I still can't see the point of confessing to a priest, when I can confess directly to God.

All that is moot, of course, since within a year of boot camp, I had exhausted all the studying of different Christian religions with the same answer for each. I just didn't believe the things they were teaching. So, I went to the opposite end of the spectrum and started investigating other religions. I started with Wicca. Now, I have to say that Wicca is a very interesting religion. And, contrary to popular opinion, studying it will not cause you to become devil possessed. At any rate, within a year, I had decided that Wicca was definitely not for me.

After about a year of thought and perusing the religion section of book stores, I happened upon a book called, "Buddhism Without Beliefs" by Stephen Batchelor. This was a book about Buddhism for agnostics or atheists. I fit that description, so I bought the book. I was hooked, instantly. Over the next 4 or 5 years, I studied and read about Buddhism. I attended a Buddhist temple. I read a few books by the Dalai Lama. But, my favorite author on Buddhism is Thich Nhat Hanh. His book, "Breathe! You Are Alive: Sutra on the Full Awareness of Breathing" seriously helps me control my breathing, my mind, and my body. I read this particular book while I was pregnant with Dominic. It really helped me prepare my body and mind for sleep, although that is not its primary purpose.

While I still believe in the principles of Buddhism, it was not enough for me. You see, I was an agnostic Buddhist. I believe that Buddhism can co-exist with other beliefs. You do not have to believe in the many gods that some Buddhists believe in, in order to be a Buddhist. One of the things I did believe in was reincarnation. This creates a problem with a lot of religions. One day, I was reading about Judaism. Suddenly, it all fell into place. Here was a religion I understood. Here was a religion I believed in. Here was a religion I agreed with. And, wonder of all wonders, reincarnation did not have to be thrown under the bus. While reincarnation is not a mainstream Jewish belief, it is not unheard of or contrary to the basic beliefs of Judaism (as it is to Christianity).

I began to study Judaism. It took me 3 years and two moves to finally call a rabbi. During those three years, I marked the location of all the synagogues I saw. I drank in the Jewish culture. I read, read, and read some more. Finally, I got up the nerve to contact a rabbi. I had my first appointment with him last February. Wow. He gave me a few books to read that I had not found. My favorite was "9 Questions People Ask About Judaism" by Dennis Prager and Joseph Telushkin. This is a book for the lay person. It is a book for anyone curious about what Judaism is and isn't. It is a great book for someone considering converting. It is a great book for someone wanting to know what their Jewish friend believes. To say that my meeting with the rabbi and the books he gave to read were enlightening is putting it lightly. It was amazing to me how much I felt like I had come home.

Now, it has been over a year since I started my conversion. In April of last year, my conversion got put on hold because of a death in the family and an extended family "vacation" in Florida. It got put on hold again in December. This time, it may be on permanent hold. I haven't decided, yet. The fact is that I have found what I searched for all those years. Do I need to finish my conversion to feel at peace? I don't know. For the most part, I am happy with what I have found. Will I ever finish my conversion? I don't know. If I do, I think I will start it all over again. There were just too many starts and stops for me to feel like I was properly going through the conversion process. Unfortunately, it is very difficult for me to go through the conversion process with Gary gone. Perhaps when he gets back. We will see.

In the meantime, let me say this. Well meaning, evangelical Christians, please, understand that I love you. I know that you love me and want the best for me. However, I have studied it. I have researched it. I have prayed and prayed and prayed. I have cried. I have struggled. I have searched for at least 20 years and I am only 32. I have found what I was looking for. I'm not looking anymore. I'm sorry if that bothers you. But, it's not going to change. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for caring enough to try to change my mind. Please, don't get upset when I tell you no. Try to understand that we are following different paths. Try to understand that I accept you the way you are. I even understand your need to try to change my beliefs. But, try to understand when you are unable to change them, and love me, anyway.