Gabriel, age 10, has a fierce desire to own things. He tends to hoard things in his room so that other people can't touch them. Unfortunately for him, he's not an only child. I do not see the point in buying 3 of the same toy, book, comic book to satisfy his need to profess ownership of something.
Here's my question. At what point do I let him have things that are exclusively his? And what do I allow him to have as exclusively his? I definitely think he is old enough to have that need. In fact, I think they all are. After all, at a very young age we begin to understand ownership.
So, how do you balance the need for ownership and custody of things with the need for sharing among siblings? What do I need to do for HIM? How much ownership does he need? Any thoughts?
Thursday, April 24, 2008
Parenting Question
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6 comments:
I struggle with this question myself.
Mostly because I have a desire to own things that nobody else messes with, and I feel really guilty about it. I don't want people messing with my books, my food, my coffee mug.....Actually, just last night I was CRINGING as my kids used my camera (they're going to BREAK it) but I didn't want to squelch their creativity by taking it away!
So, I am a super hypocrite when I make my kids share their things with each other. For instance if Jordan has a movie that Scout wants to watch, that Jordan is not currently watching, she is required to let Scout watch it.
But I think it's just mean and rude not to let her watch the movie if she's not watching it.
Anyway--I don't know the answer to this. Just thought I'd chime in and empathize :-)
I feel your pain! It's a difficult balance to achieve. My sort-of rule of thumb around here is -if they got it for their birthday, Christmas, etc. it is theirs. It is up to them to decide if they want to share it or not. (In the meantime, I try to promote sharing- kind of like a barter system- you share this with him, and he can find something to share with you.) It sounds all well and good, but kids will be kids, and it doesn't always work. However, if they aren't sharing- just to cause trouble, I step in and become the sharing police. I may decide to over-rule that rule at that point, just to teach a lesson. (Which sometimes makes me feel like a mean mom.)
It's somewhat the same way with their rooms. My kids have their own rooms, and in their mind it is "theirs". So, they decide when the other gets to come into their room. I think it makes them highly territorial, but I think it also helps them to recognize boundaries.
All that being said, it is a difficult balance to achieve, and I find myself highly inconsistent in this area. And I do not like being inconsistent. But, it comes down to the situation and the circumstances around it. I think each family is different, and you have to figure out what works for your family.
Anyway, that's my 2 cents, for what it's worth. (Which isn't much anymore.) ;-)
Our kids do NOT each have their own room (8 people in a 4 bedroom), so they have to share their space. I have tried to make sure that each child has at least a small space to store things that are THEIRS...little games, baseball cards, etc. No one else is supposed to go into their drawer or box...and has to ask permission to play with those things.
If I find a child that is being unreasonable about sharing things, we have a talk.
Movies, music, etc. are FAMILY-owned, not individual property.
However, NONE of this is easy, and is always negotiable...for the older kids, anyway...not so much for the little guys.
I'd love to know the answer as well. Since I'm an only child, I never had to share anything with a sibling. I know I'm going to struggle with this in the years to come, and I'm totally unprepared.
If it's a baseball trophy and has his name engraved on it, nobody else can touch it. If it's something he created, nobody else can touch it. If it's rather expensive and was a gift to him or if it's something he bought with his own money, then paws off.
But if I give him a book, and he reads it, and then it's sitting on the shelf, he absolutely must share with a sibling who wants to read it (unless the sibling has demonstrated improper care of books: dog-earring, coloring in, ripping pages).
My son, almost 10, has recently starting this attitude too, and I'm drawing the line now. With few exceptions, ALL things will be treated as common property. Calm and reasonably stated appeals will be considered on a case-by-case basis. I'm having lots of issues here with children declaring toys or other items off-limits even though there is no harm being done (like, "she can't play with MY LEGOS even though I intend to go outside and ride my bike.")
I also stress the "out of sight" rule. If your 2 year old brother broke your special thing, why did you leave it on the living room floor?
Rosalie-the only problem I have with that way of doing things is that if I allow them to OWN everything they get for Christmas and birthdays and not allow others to use it, I have to own 3 of everything.
Laura-that's kind of what we're doing now. We have had some success with explaining the fact that we can either spend money on new things that they can all play with, OR we can spend money on duplicating the toys they already have so that the 'owner' can be selfish. They prefer to share.
Michelle, So, it's kind of a developmental thing....
Thank you all. I really needed to know that this is not just me damaging my child and making him need to hoard things by denying him ownership of everything. He does own things, just not every little LEGO that comes into his life.
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